On The Other Side Of Pain, There Is Healing; Lessons From Behind

It doesn’t feel good, pinning your writhing two-year-old to the floor while he pleads for mercy in squeals of agony. And it doesn’t feel good, holding back tears, watching your wife cry as she applies more diaper rash cream to a reddened and raw toddler’s bottom. 

I’d never tortured anyone before–Slumdog Millionaire style–but now, at least, I know I never could. I lack the necessary callousness, not to mention I hate conflict. And screaming. The only reason I fought through it was, as a dad, I knew the butt-cream was a needed remedy and vital for the long haul. It had to get worse before it got better.

It was an important reminder that I somehow managed to reflect upon as I muttered the most miserable version of Old MacDonald in Isaiah’s ear. On the other side of pain, discomfort, and conflict is, very often, healing.

In the life that surpasses the issues of my child’s ass, the healing we want isn’t always the healing we get. Or, at least, we are often in need of a greater endurance to help us through hardship so we can survive to another season of hope.

Wallow

Those prone to depression and anxiety are often feelers. And, the thing about feelers is we tend to live in the moment but just not in the sky-diving way. It’s more like the prisoner way, and we lack the perspective to remember life beyond bars. So, when hardship is all we feel, hardship is all we know. We hear the Sir Winston Churchill quote, “When you’re going through hell, keep going,” only to climb back into bed, saying, “Nah…I’m good…I’ll stay where I’m at.”

When a death in the family occurs, or when a friend takes his life; when a job is lost, when life is just difficult, or when depression is rearing its head and you lull yourself to sleep with fantasies of not waking up, it’s often easier to wallow than to wait and work. But, if healing is what we want, we would do well to choke down the pill of hardship by embracing it so we can work through it.

Wait

An important part of waiting is accepting grief. Whether your pain is because of an external event or an internal wrestling, it is okay, and actually healthy to mourn over your hardship. It is when we remain in this stage that waiting becomes wallowing.

As you learn to wait for healing, learn also to grieve. Host a funeral for your pain, journal regularly, or write it all out and burn the paper. An outward, pseudo-ceremonial act, can often help us grieve appropriately so we can healthily move on.

It is vital that we cultivate hope as well, leaning on others to be reminded of the mentality that “this too shall pass.” There is life beyond bars. There is healing through hardship.

Work

When we’ve allowed ourselves to grieve and have begun to recognize hope, it is then time to work. This is the time in which we face our darkness head-on, arming ourselves with valuable resources.

Seeing a mental health professional is a fantastic place to start, but if that feels too daunting for a first step, open up to a friend or family member about this difficult season. Whatever you decide to do, remember you are mentally responsible. No matter what you tell yourself, you have the power and the ability to get yourself into a position where you can begin to thrive. There is no need to do it all yourself, but if you want to see a counselor, it’s your responsibility to get yourself through the door. The good news is a professional will take it from there, letting you know of a few more practical steps.

On the other side of darkness, there is light. On the other side of pain, there is healing.

My son’s butt is better today. We are waiting patiently for it to heal, letting him watch a little more TV than usual and giving him time to rest. But, we are also taking the necessary steps to get him healthy. Butt paste, naked time, and baby-wipes made of paper towel and water (This was a game-changer, by the way, if your kid is being tortured from behind). I’m sure we’ll have more traumatic parenting moments, maybe even later today, but at least we know that just because something doesn’t feel good, doesn’t mean that it isn’t, in fact, good.

How To Love A Loved One When Death And Despair Strike

Hurricanes Harvey and Irma threatened entire communities; children of undocumented immigrants are newly afraid of deportation to a land they don’t remember; and a seventeen-year-old boy from church tragically died after years of praying the cancer would leave his body. Even today marks 16 years since the tragic happenings of September 11, 2001 where nearly 3,000 people were killed. All this and more resigned many to the dark with more questions than answers. The pain of loss, the devastation of disaster, and the agony of the unknown is capable of tormenting even the strongest souls, and the threat of depression and anxiety is never far behind.

The universal conversation attempting to normalize mental illness as caused by chemical imbalances, genetics, and other internal wirings is greatly needed today. Still we should never forget the grave potential of such misery to afflict victims in the ash of external tragedy. Indeed, when a natural disaster rummages through personal belongings, when people become aliens in their own homes, or when sickness robs earth of a loved one how can humans not suffer at the feet of despair? Scientific explanations of depression and anxiety are valid and even proven, but sometimes, life just sucks, and the anguish of reality feels utterly unbearable. In these times, those unaffected would do well to comfort the afflicted, armor in support behind the victims, and walk through the darkness alongside the lost and grieving.

Let’s Comfort The Afflicted

“What can I do for you?” These six words are drilled onto the tongues of millions of customer service representatives across the nation. Corporate employees are trained to be available, kind, and helpful by any means possible. And the reason such a sentiment is so commonly used in the retail world is because it works. Customers feel cared for. Often, we don’t know where to start in our attempts to comfort someone whose pain is too great to bear, but just asking a simple question can demonstrate we care and that we want to help the hurting in the way they want to be helped.

This is likely not the time for wise words or awkward jokes to break uncomfortable silence. Sit, listen, cry, ask, and be prepared for anything as you listen intently for what they need. The easiest way to respect someone is to listen to them, and to comfort another is to help them feel comfortable by actively presenting yourself as available on their terms. Whether they take advantage of your support or not is their decision; allow that freedom. Listen and be available. The voice of a wiseman is white noise when his ears have not yet listened. 

Let’s Armor In Support

Equip yourself with the needed resources to be an appropriate help. Be informed, stay engaged, read, learn, get dirty, know what’s going on, but mind your own mental health as well. Standing as a pillar of support beneath a hurting loved one takes much emotional, spiritual, and physical energy. In order to love and care for someone else, we must prioritize our own mental health. To not care for ourselves while supporting the weight of another’s burdens is comparable to allowing a support beam to rot beneath a building. Skyscrapers, homes, and office buildings, like victims of loss, need strong support. Informed and healthy, we can be that to our suffering loved ones.

Let’s Walk Through The Darkness

We all have had dark times. Some seasons are more difficult than others, some storms have a harder impact, and some roads are more challenging to navigate. While we cannot relate to every single person’s specific struggle, we can all relate to struggle. The affliction we have experienced in each of our pasts through mental illness, personal tragedy, or seasons of despair can now be used for good as we muster the courage and empathy needed to actively love today’s victims of loss. Do not allow your personal hardships to win in the darkness, but use them to illuminate another’s path. Justify your own misfortune for good; weaken its reign on your life. Pain that once had no purpose can now be repurposed. Hopeless seasons of your past can now bring another hope. And the shadows behind you can remind others of coming light.

Despair, tragedy, and pain, depression and anxiety, do not play favorites. Each of us are susceptible to deep anguish whether by internal or external influence. We can come together in times of need by offering a listening ear, an available source of comfort, an informed, healthy, and strong support, and a ready hand to hold and feet prepared to brave the darkness. We all know despair, and therefore, it doesn’t need to win.