This Is The Hardest Thing About Counseling For People Who Need It

Rob sat across from me at a sleek white table on the patio of Detroit’s New Order Coffee. The steam from each of our mugs twiddled with the dawn in the calm before the storm–the storm of emotions I knew would soon whirl out of control at the feet of a therapist named Justin.

My friend pretended not to notice the familiar twitch tugging on the left side of my neck. Neither of us said a word about it, but it refused to be ignored as if the hands of my Fossil watch were reeling my head to prove the waning seconds.

Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick–

“I should go,” I said.

“Yeah. Let me know how it goes?” His eyes smiled. “It’s gonna be good,” he said.

I should have left sooner, but, to be honest, I was clinging to my friendship with Rob as a child holds a blanket. Once I got in the car, the GPS said I’d be five minutes late. Shit. Five minutes.

Five minutes worth of fresh material served on a silver platter (“So, Doug…you have issues with timeliness. Why don’t you tell me about that?”).

Five minutes in which the two of us could have maybe unraveled the solution to all of my depression and go ahead to cure the world of it while we’re at it.

Five minutes would if nothing else, enforce the hustle of shame, and the bumbling words, “S-sorry I was s-so late,” to dribble like vomit from my mouth.

Five minutes meant five lashings–not physical ones, of course–self-inflicted mental lashings with an iron whip made of self-deprecation and the fog of hatred from my mirror.

Five minutes was…in the end…not a big deal. At all. I shook Justin’s hand and followed him down the stairs and into his office.

It was a bare room, oversized for a therapist’s office but too small for a classroom–what it once was. Justin added decor to the tired space which seemed to represent the revitalization of Detroit. A pour-over coffee kit sat in the dunce corner. Charcoal gray sofa, slim with pointed wooden legs sat in the middle of the room and across from two complimentary chairs–all surrounded by chipping brick walls. Everything in the room, even the Devil’s Ivy dripping over the coffee table, seemed to echo the truth of Kahlil Gibran: “Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.”

“So,” Justin said, “how’s it going?”

I don’t remember much of that first meeting with Justin. But, I do know that getting through the door is always the hardest part of going to counseling. If you can lean on the encouragement of friends and family, not be deterred by small hiccups, and simply get yourself through the door, a good professional will take it from there, and you’ll be glad you went.

I was.

So, where are you at in the process? Are you in the coffee shop where counseling is a mere conversation? Are you in the car where you’re ready but you don’t know where to go? Or maybe you’re at the door, and all you need to do is knock.

Wherever you’re at right now, let’s get you through that door.

SEE ALSO

Why I Finally Decided To See A Mental Health Professional

Taking The Reins Back From Depression And Anxiety

“Oh, baby, I can’t get nakeder!” I told my wife as things heated up in the bedroom. She, in all her beauty, laying on the mattress, glistening and exposed, replied, “Babe…we need to get the AC fixed.”

Our air conditioner had been broken for the hottest week of the summer, and we employed our only two fans in Isaiah’s room to avoid cooking the baby. Busyness and the fear of dumping the bank into a big project had me put it off for too long. It was finally time to get it fixed. But, for my wife, the time was months ago.

A pivotal difference between Lindsey and I is our point of action. I’m typically reactionary, waiting until I’m sworn in as president of the American Association Of Nude Recreation to even begin thinking about getting the AC fixed. My wife on the other hand is proactive. She would have called in a repairman months ago, and maybe even scheduled a yearly physical just to hear the unit cough.

Be Proactive, Not Reactive

When it comes to depression and anxiety (as well as other issues), many are more reactive than they are proactive, especially men. We tend to put off taking vital steps towards health, thinking we need to be strong and independent, while the sickness roots itself deeper into our minds and establishes bad mental habits, unhealthy coping mechanisms, and a growing barrier between us and the outside world. More often than not, for men, it takes a breakdown to wake us up. The neglected illness might rear its head through an emotional instability, complete isolation, outbursts of anger or constant irritation, or in the worst case scenario, suicide.

As a cloud of darkness still hangs above my head, I know there is no cure for depression, but there are practical steps we can take to more easily thrive in a heavy world. Counseling, medical care, rearranging work schedule, establishing routine and boundaries–all of these and more can be proactive steps toward a healthier you. Take the reins back from the clutches of anxiety and depression. It won’t be easy or fun, but it will be worth it in the end when you are able to retrain your brain, reestablish valuable relationships, and develop healthy coping mechanisms. Be proactive against mental illness, not reactive.

What are the things that keep you from being proactive? There has been one thing that has stood in my way while seeking appropriate help with my mental health, physical health, and even my air conditioner. That thing is me, and the three legs I stand upon: pride, fear, and laziness. I think most men can relate to all three, so here are some healthier alternatives to help you with proactivity:

Pride vs Preservation

Pride is a poison, and ego keeps men from admitting their weaknesses and asking for help. Be motivated more by the idea of preservation than by the force of pride. Preserve your relationships, your mental health, your physical health, your reputation; preserve your life, and drop your pride. It’s better to be alive and thriving than proud. And just because you seem strong, doesn’t mean you are. Countering pride is often the first step to proactive progress.

Fear vs Faith

Martin Luther King Jr. once said, “Faith is taking the first step even when you can’t see the whole staircase.” Fear keeps us at the bottom stair, and anxieties about what one would say to a doctor or what a counselor might dig up from the past weigh us down in paralysis. My counselor often told me, “The anticipation of an event is almost always worse than the actual event.” Remember that, and just take a single step of faith. You don’t need to see the whole staircase to do that. Be proactive in taking a single step.

Laziness vs Living

When we are lazy, we aren’t living. Life is not meant to be spent on a couch anymore than it is meant to rot alone in the darkness. Get up, and get out there. It is better to enjoy life than to forever laze through it. And while depression is certainly not synonymous with laziness, the two are often intertwined, feeding off each other like The Walking Dead. Nudge yourself in a healthy direction. Do not stay stagnant. Break the monotony. Be proactive with small, achievable steps to start.

There is a thought that I keep in mind while I write. “As long as there is life, there are words to write.” I use it as a reminder that I will never dry up as a writer because writing is a reflection of life, and life is always moving, evolving, developing. As long as I am alive, I have the ability write content. In the same way, even with depression and anxiety weighing you down, and mental illness paralyzing you, as long as there is life in your veins, there is a next step to take; there is something you can do.

Don’t die waiting to live. You are not incapable no matter how far the illness has rooted itself into your mind. This is your life; take responsibility. Take the reins back from depression and anxiety. When you are immobilized, take a minute to recognize if pride, fear, or laziness is what keeps you from proactive progress. Then, choose the alternative: preservation, faith, or life.

When we finally got our AC fixed (wishing we had done it sooner), while basking in the heavenly coolness, I turned to my wife and said, “There are much better reasons to get naked.” Indeed, I’d rather enjoy life than suffer through it.

---

What keeps you from being proactive? Does this article spark anything in you? Is it time to take a next step? Start by checking out my Quick Tip section for short, simple, and practical ideas for progress. Comment below with your next step!

Photo by MARK ADRIANE on Unsplash

Quick Tip: Get Creative

“Learn the rules like a pro, so you can break them like an artist.”

― Pablo Picasso

Some people are natural artists, but everyone is creative.

When we don’t make the time or effort to pursue creative endeavors, no matter how small, we become susceptible to increased depression and anxiety. Try pursuing a creative task. No matter the struggle, exercising your creativity has many therapeutical benefits. When you’re in the thick of anxiety or depression, weighed down by your thoughts, reach out for a pen, pencil, pottery wheel, instrument – anything – and lighten your load with a creative endeavor.

Creativity offers results of which you can be proud. When we set out to accomplish a task and see it through, we reclaim confidence in ourselves and our abilities that depression and anxiety has once robbed from us. There’s no shame putting your art on the refrigerator, so make some and find a magnet. Get creative, and be proud of what you accomplish.

Creativity helps cope with your inner demons by forcing you to slow down your mind. Many people, especially men, internalize their thoughts and feelings. We feed a monstrous whirlwind in our souls with hidden emotions and concealed reflections. Instead of waiting until that tornado spins out of control, let those thoughts and feelings out appropriately through artistic means. Write a poem or a story, paint the tornado of inner turmoil. Use creativity as a proper means of coping.

The mind is a muscle, and, like your bicep, needs exercise. Only, cranial exercise looks different. Stretching your mind with creative endeavors helps to enhance good mental habits. It starts to give you back control of your mind from the reins of depression and anxiety. So, get creative, and go to the mind-gym. Because the mind is a muscle, allow yourself the freedom to fail, and understand that it takes a bit of time to get in shape.

Focus on doing small creative tasks, or embrace a task in your everyday with an extra understanding of the creativity it requires. Often, we are creative without fully recognizing it. Creativity is inherent to humanity. Don’t suppress your natural creativity, but work out the muscle, cope with your inner demons, and let yourself be proud of your accomplishment. 

Practical challenge: spend ten minutes a day actively pursuing a creative endeavor. Ready…go.

How does creativity help you? Have a quick tip? Let me know in the comments below!

Why I Finally Decided To See A Mental Health Professional

I curled up in the chair, burying myself in the corner like a pound puppy.

Eyes averted.

Arms swathed around my body.

Legs crossed and drawn tight.

Shaking.

Whimpering.

The cracking door to my left hurled a light against my personal cloud of darkness, and I blinked in the glow as if it were Michael the Archangel descending. I sensed the man who entered was immediately evaluating me. His brow fell directly upon his eyelids scowling in an appraising way while his mouth curled gently upward. With his palm extended, he waited for a handshake as I unraveled my arm from its crusted home and met his hand meekly like a beggar for a dime. Finally, he found his seat on a swivel stool, and spun it toward me, his eyes kindly hunting for mine.

And so began my first doctor’s visit for my mental health.

The Doom Of Anticipation

Initially meeting a professional for depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts has never been comfortable. About a year prior, I had animorphed to a pound puppy in the waiting room of a licensed counselor. It was a resource that proved to be an incredible help as I finally started to recognize poor mental habits and productively challenge them in the company of a caring professional. The concepts discussed continue to benefit me in a myriad of ways, but there is a single truth that most often comes to mind. “The anticipation of an event is almost always worse than the actual event.” With this as my flagship, I’ve forced myself into situations I might not otherwise go. That’s how I landed, a year later, curled up in the office of a family doctor.

Time and time again, I have learned that the anticipation of an event is, indeed, worse than the actual event. Faithfully, my mind writes frenzied narratives of futuristic predictions and taunts me with “what-ifs” that so easily morph into certainty that the sky is falling. It seems the only times I learn to distrust the woes of anticipation is in the aftermath of the event when I think, Well, that wasn’t so bad after all.

The dread of what a professional might say, do, or conjure up from the deepest parts of me kept me away from seeking the help I needed for a long time. My wife and close friends had advised me to get appropriate help for months before I at last took the plunge. The thing that convinced me to go was the realization that it wasn’t that people didn’t love me; it was that I couldn’t believe that people loved me. I recognized that my reality, the reality of being unappreciated, worthless, and uncared for, was not true reality.

Reality vs. True Reality

The movies that make up most of my collection are the psychological thrillers–the films that twist and turn like a thematic roller coaster forcing you to question what’s real and what’s not. And by the time the closing credits roll around, you’re left gnawing on a pill too big to swallow in one gulp.

One of my favorites is A Beautiful Mind. [Spoiler Alert] Based on a remarkable true story, John Nash, played by Russel Crowe, is a mathematical genius. The film wonderfully portrays his relationship with his best friend, Charles, and his entanglement with a communist conspiracy. Nash was knee-deep in top-secret operations and deeply invested in a valued friendship when he was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. Neither his friend nor his classified mission actually existed. He arrived at the point of realization that his reality was not true reality. He had been living in falsehoods for the better part of his life.

That’s a tough pill to swallow.

Why We Avoid Professionals

I wonder if this explains a major challenge for people, especially men, with untreated mental illness. There is the reality that is true–for me, that people loved me and cared for me–and the reality that is false but familiar. It is the narrative my mind has chosen, that people hate me and grow easily tired of me. Perhaps this is what keeps so many men away from professional care: they haven’t yet separated true reality from falsehood so they can’t address the actual issue.

Or maybe people know the falsehoods in their thinking but are just afraid to delve into understanding truth. Because true reality is unknown territory, they dare not venture through it. It is a source of consolation to confide in what’s always been–falsehood.

To carve out the deeply-set personal illusion and prove it as falsehood is traumatic, overwhelming, and daunting, but we need to open our eyes to seek true reality despite what our minds are telling us. We need to release our pride and admit that we are weak, confused, ill so that we can get appropriate help and live our lives.

It’s Okay To Be A Pound Puppy

It is the realization that my reality was false that finally led me to seek a counselor and eventually a doctor. The resources they provide help to see ourselves and the world around us more clearly; they help us see reality better. Like John Nash, we need an awakening, an understanding that we cannot trust everything our minds tell us. Let’s recognize the falsehoods and get to know the truth. It is frightening and uncomfortable, but that is what a mental health professional can help you do; you only need to get through the door. And, to do that, just remember that the anticipation of an event is almost always worse than the actual event.

So, I invite you to be a pound puppy. Go see a counselor or doctor. Your reality might not be true reality, and in the long run, it’s best to address that sooner rather than later.

What finally convinced you to see a mental health professional? Or what is stopping you?Start a conversation! Comment below or catch up with me on social media.

NOTE: On the top of the DD homepage is a link to easily find a therapist. Take the plunge today!

Photo by Nik Shuliahin on Unsplash

Link Love 07//27

It often feels like my job is to be an internet sponge. I soak up what’s going on in the world and then squeeze it out through Dadding Depressed. As I work throughout the week, I stumble upon many valuable resources that don’t always find a home in a blog post. So, here are a few of my favorite ones that I’ve found lately:

1. You Aren’t Lazy–You’re Just Terrified: On Paralysis And Perfectionism

2. Chester Bennington Last Interview

3. 5 Reasons High Achievers Go To Therapy 

4. 21 Tips To Keep Your Shit Together When You’re Depressed

5. A Panic Attack On Live Television